overthoughts.

Of you actually saying
“No, I’m happily taken”
And knowing that it’s me, or
“My girl”
And being confident in saying it.
It makes me tear up because never have I ever heard you say
“my girlfriend”
It just makes me think that you never were proud of me or thought much of me

Text me good morning or goodnight anymore :(
The tiniest things mean the most.
I guess he really doesn’t or never loved me after all

But what else can I do. It’s very clear that maybe I’m not the one for you. Even though I feel you complete me it doesn’t mean I do that for you.

Sometimes I wonder, why don’t I just stop missing you? Because you are clearly not missing me

how do you expect me to do a homework assignment that requires a computer

do you know what happens when i get near a computer

this happens.

I used to take comfort in knowing you’d always be by my side.
My other half. My when Im doing anything crazy or fun or scary in my life I turn and there you are right next to me. But know I have to painfully force myself to plan without you. Almost as if you never existed.

I can’t wait till I say it and its returned and I can feel whole and smile again.

Problem is, I know who can make me feel whole again.

We tlkd about my future. And I realized that I’m scared shitless. I want it so bad but I’m sacred.
I’m scared of loosing him and me like he claims I have.
he always asks that’s wrong, but I just don’t want to pour my feelings out again on him and make it look like I’m looking to invite him to my pity party.
I love him so much and what he makes me feel, I wish I had the power to move on so quickly like he obviously has.

It just makes me think that since he’s over it so quick, he really never felt the same way at all. :(

i have to work at 6pm-12am. its my third week working here and they scheduled me for inventory. instead of doing what i want ALL day, i have to remember that its ruined bc i have to go in at 6pm….

i want EVERYONE out this house!!! One of my biggest pet peeves is piles! Piles of random shit EVERYwhere! I want everyone out so that i can organize everything the way i want. and thennnnnn i want to have NO freaking responsibilities!! I want to wake up and workout with NO one or thing that interuppts me. Shower then have an open agenda! I wanna wake up and be like “Oh, im gunna go to six flags today” or “Im gunna go to the beach today to get the most perfect tan” but no. I have work school and other bullshit that i dont wanna deal with.

so the visit didnt go as amazing as i planned. it is a nice school though, but i just dont feel like i would be excited to start, i still feel like im at home. I wanna go to a school that makes me feel like im not at home. im glad manny came with me though, he knows what i like and want and he could tell i wasnt excited about it.

so i have two options now. UIC or Loyola

and manny reminded me yesterday that its not like im going to be attending for another 4 years. so no matter what school i choose the price will always be rape. but it wont hurt as much if im only going for a year.

and guess who sparked them all?

he claims that hes holding me back, he claims that the only reason im not being me is because of him. BUT what he doesnt understand is that because of him I feel like I can do ANYTHING. He makes makes me want to dream with him! And no I’m not just saying it becuase I fell in love with him, but that is one of the reasons why I fell in love with him. He literally gives me that extra push that need in my life. He cares for me the way I’m supposed to about myself. He literally is my other half.

I wanna graduate.

I wanna move out.

I wanna pursue singing.

I wanna pursue baking.

I wanna go to more places.

I wanna see more places and do crazy random things.

I wanna live for a year with NO resposiblities!

I wanna wake up and decide that I’m gunna go do this because I feel like it.

I’m trying to start all of this. I think I’ll start by going to cali to clear my mind and just relax. I wanna take him with me, but it really wouldnt be helping me. I just cant help that i picture him right next to me no matter what i do :(

I’m okay, but other times I’m just so sad it physically hurts.

so i cleared my throat today and

and then someone poked me in the side so I laughed

and THEN I FUCKING SNEEZED

and that’s what it’s like being on the second day of your period

i hope this has been educational

for all the depressing posts. im deleting them. im being a victim of myself and its not fun to wallow in your own tears. im having a pity party for myself and it ends NOW!

people.
Guess who didn’t come home again. And lied to my mom again. And always. She doesn’t even know the house lock is changed. Haha. Oh man.

BULLSHIT.